No , I won’t forget!

Sometimes I want to forget it all , like God forgets our sins and remembers them no more once we confess .

I want to forget that I lost my virginity at the age of eight ,I want to forget that God and I fell apart at the age of nine when He watched history replay.

I want forget that I knew rejection at a young age , that I knew bitterness and trauma at an age I was only supposed to know God , books and hide and seek.

I want to forget that in the odd numbers of my past ages there was something to cry about . I want to forget that teachers have abused me yet I am passionate about teaching.

I want to forget that at some point out of self pitty and low self-esteem, I made silly decisions that caused me pain later.

I want to forget the many times I’ve sinned against God , I knew it yet still did it again and again and felt nothing about it, because well, He watched me go through pain. This is no justification for hurting my saviour again and again, He understands pain better than I do.

I want to forget the crushing words I’ve heard from people I love. I want to forget that someone I once called best friend saw nothing more valuable in me and walked out of my life , after begging them to consider the friendship.

I want to forget that a doctor refused to attend to me and the next one saw a grown woman in a teenager. I want to forget it all .

I want to forget that people got “busy” to even respond to a “hi” text or a missed call ,because they have tight schedules.

I want to forget that I’ve been rejected by an institution I had my heart on.

I want to forget the fact that I cannot erase my past!

I wish I could have a clean slate since childhood.

But no! I won’t forget!

I won’t forget all that . Because if I do ,I’ll be throwing away grace and mercy and unconditional love I’ve received from my God.

I’ll be forgetting the power of the cross and the power of the blood of Jesus Christ that He poured for the Salvation of my soul, blood that has been cleaning my slate over and over.

I will be forgetting the nights in the valleys when He wrapped me in the warmth of His unconditional love.

I will be forgetting the battles unseen He fought for me when I couldn’t go on.

I will be forgetting God my Father, Jesus my saviour, and Holy Spirit my helper, yet no, I cannot forget them.

And so no, I won’t forget!

@Hilda Imali.

HIS FIT!

When first man failed in their marriage, He saw it fit to court before marriage .

I don’t know why , but He saw me fit for marriage, He saw me fit before I was fit for Him. Ephesians 1 , we were predestined as His fit.

You know in human courting , you exhibit a character that’s not fit ,they go ,” no , I can’t take that to marriage, I can’t handle that in marriage, and so they walk”

In Jesus Christ’s way of courting , you exhibit , jealousy, robbery , a complaining kind of person , disobedience, ignorance, lesbianism, homosexuality, pride, envy ?carelessness, porn addiction , drunkardness, He says, “I saw you fit even with all these,” and in this courting season I am going to undo all that. ”

And so daily He moulds me into His fit , His fit that He and God had when they said , “let’s make man in our own image ” .

In my understanding I’m not His fit yet , I am in fix ,I am still struggling with all kinds of things He hates . And this is what most do,wanting to fix themselves before they become His fit.

Ephesians 1:5-6 Having predestinated us unto the adoption of children by Jesus Christ to himself, according to the good pleasure of his will,
To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.

Spoken word

Don’t call me tiny!

Chills froze my bones as chillies set my heart ablaze.
I read the text the second time and thought I didn’t read right because of the migraine which often causes my vision to go blur. No , my eyes read right ,and my emotions responded. “Why did you call me tiny ? ” I asked calmly trying to contain the scream in my heart. “Because I’m bigger than you”, the response came, coated with thick layer of laughter, “please don’t call me tiny ,you don’t know how much I’ve struggled and I’m still struggling ,” I cried my eyes balled out , the migraine getting worse.

Everyone thinks only plus size people struggle with body shaming and eating disorder.
Two boyfriends walked away because of my body size , one said , “I wish you like the size 8 lady I met today.” Who says this on the face of their slender girlfriends?

Well, I’m weighing 39 kgs, I’ve stepped into hospitals and nurses question my health because my weight doesn’t match my age . 39 kgs is so low for a 24 year old.
I meet ladies with healthy sizes and I wish I could get there. There are times I’ve been out with mum and I said to her ,”mummy if I get to that size I’ll be smart ” . As a mother it’s hard for her to hear her daughter say this to her. I’ve tried junk food, I’ve tried squats ,a friend once suggested I take everyday bhajia, oh Lord!

Bones protruding on my neck and just right above my breast is not such a comfortable sight for me.
I didn’t understand why I’m so tiny until I came to know it’s HMI (heart membrane inflammation ) and paracardiac pneumonia that were chewing down my weight, cold affects me that much including aching of bones.

But will you explain this to everyone who mocks you concerning your body size? Of course not. What do you do instead?

You find your identity in Christ and ground yourself there. When God was done with creation, He looked and said it was good. We are all part of that creation which He looked at and called good.

To those who body shame others,

  • He created us in His own image. Meaning we should only identify each other with God’s image, perfect.
  • ∙ Did you know body shaming others is a sign of low self­esteem? So instead of body shaming others , begin embracing others.
  • Negative statements to people only bring negativity to your soul. Most are sad people inside hence find outside happiness in body shaming others. So why don’t we bring beauty into our hearts by speaking beautiful words concerning people’s sizes? Well, it’s not even necessary saying a thing about one’s body. Is it?

If you are struggling with body shaming,

  • find your identity in Christ. In Genesis God said He was creating in His own image, and so whether you are plus size or slim you’re in God’s image.
  • ∙ It’s ok to join in the joke , I know this ain’t perfect, but in some instances it’s worked for me , “I’ll run fastest if robbers broke in here” “I can do all dances”
  • ∙ Affirming. I started a habit of looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself “I’m beautiful, perfect like God had me in His thoughts. My flat tummy looks great on my tiny self “
  • ∙ This is to all sizes, slim , medium, plus, let’s praise each other. Your plus size looks great on this mermaid dress, no ,I think that short looks beautiful on your slim body,”

Kim walker has a song called ” you define me” . I pray it blesses you .

WRONG !

I knew it was time to amass the fragments of my heartbeats,but no I didn’t. “Am I ready? Am I courageous enough to do it? How will life be without this soul?”
These are questions that burgled the little peace left in my mind that I needed to make this decision.

I stood there, his stare weakening my knees , and the spark in his eyes begging me to stay , reminding me of how I might have looked that morning begging the Holy Spirit to stay with me.

“You have been here long ,but no change, in any case , it has been negative. You have lost yourself in him , what now?” , the soft yet firm voice, echoed louder in my bones than in my inner ears.

I thought I could fix him , I was wrong! My own emotions were in a fix. I thought I could heal him, wrong, my own wounds of past were there glaring with rage in my heart.
My whole life was built around him , wrongly I thought ,it’s only my feelings that were built around his pain! Pain that had deflated my self-esteem. His verbal punches made me stay, because I thought his heart was a scrapyard of his indescribable past and
my love for him would blade it ,wrong!

I left, he said I could not do life without him, wrong! How many of us stay in friendships, relationships, careers , schools, environments just because we think it’s all we have ? Deforming self awareness to no recognition of who we are , what our worth is and what we are meant for?
Apprehension crippling our vision of what could be on the other side . For how long have you been wrong?

I left ! He is doing better , I am doing better.
But before now , I was wrong!

HILDA IMALI

MY MUSE.

We had had our usual fight. Before it was verbal ,but it got physical on this day he came home on my birthday.
Threw me on my bedroom door (no , we never got below the navel. I was always scared after the rape issues I had gone through,but snogs, strokes and caresses kinda healed the wounds,my assumptions, you guess right). “All these years you are still holding that thing away from me.”(it’s not just a thing for heavens sake ). My hands twisted on the door frames, spurt on my neck and he left.
That night I told him we are over.
And the next thing was flowers , and a note ” can I treat you right for the last time?”

It was the most annoying text.

I loved him. I did. My parents knew their daughter was in love with someone, she awakened love before it was due (Song of Solomon 8:4) and the flames of it were consuming her soul , her inner beauty into ashes.
She defied her Master’s words , (Song of Solomon 8:6
Close your heart to every love but mine; hold no one in your arms but me. Love is as powerful as death; passion is as strong as death itself. It bursts into flame and burns like a raging fire.)

She let a love fraudster hold her arm. His calls were sweet lullabies, lullabies? Should be keeping the awake ! Well lullabies, yes, lullabies, they put her heart to sleep, to have a date with nightmares.

His angry voice turned her on, no, not ready for a foreplay, but on toes, to fly past his head , but thoughts of ” his caresses will heal the wounds rape caused in my uterus, mind, heart and soul” kept her lips grounded in his .
And so life went on. Abuse after abuse, but his abuses were her muse turning her into a muse .
So will she detest her past , especially this relationship that got her into a relationship with ink?

No , but she will say, don’t stay in a toxic relationship.

HIS HEART

From the look he gave me as I walked in and out of the laboratory, he knew I was going to be hospitalised, something I wasn’t aware of. I guess he has been here long enough maybe to know how patients look when they’re going to be admitted.

I had been here before , as an outpatient though, his kind heart as a gaurd gave me peace as I waited at the reception.

“Hilda, you understand you have two complications that need a close eye of a doctor. Two , we’re sorry we don’t have the medicine that you need now but we have talked to a certain lady who will be sending them tonight.If your system does not respond to the medicine, you will have to stay here longer. Do you understand Hilda, ?”
“Yes, doctor , I do”, I responded brusquely, no , it wasn’t my intention to be blunt, my emotions were blunt.

I stepped out of that room, feeling queasy, I needed time alone , to think through everything but suddenly I met my dad who had actually brought me to the hospital, bless your soul dad.

“You’re Imali? ” ,”Yes sister ” , I responded trying to take a close look at this nun who might be the one to take care of my stay here. It is a mission Hospital. “Kindly follow me” , she instructed. I followed her closely leaving my stuff with dad.

“This is going to be your room , I thought you’d need privacy ” ,she added with a broad smile that hugged my cloudy head. I smiled back , to say thank you. It’s like she knew I’d need privacy. “Davy is going to take care of your bedding “. She said as she walked away. I remained standing wondering who Davy was, from the name at least I knew it’s a man. Haha.

Davy came. He was the security guard, I smiled and wondered how a security guard was going to take care of my bedding. He made my bed , carried my backpack to my bed and asked ,”are you okay ?” He was polite and warm in his asking . He left. I heard a mama say Davy also helps with delivery, wow, I was surprised.

That night, he came back. “Lemme drop your mosquito net since your hand can’t do it , take care , make sure you don’t remove the syringe, or hit your hand or let water drop there.” He was more than a guard , a nurse too I guess.

Every morning he came , to put up my net , bring me hot water to shower since the room shower had failed. He made sure I had all the three meals , changed my bedsheets.

Apart from my parents , two nurses and two doctors, he was my frequent visitor. Even though I didn’t have friends coming , he showed up every day.
What a beautiful soul ! What a beautiful heart! Davy may God bless your soul.

With this experience, God reminded me ,even in those moments we feel alone, He has His angels around us to take care of us . Before I left the hospital after being discharged, I looked for him , to say , ” thank you Davy for everything. “